The Bandits' Journal
!!! WARNING !!!
This journal was written by the Bandits without regard or concern for the
suitability of the content. To preserve its essence it has only been edited
where absolutely necessary. Don't blame me...
June 9?, 2003
Roie
We met 'The Universe' yesterday or the day before. It's hard to remember with
all that beer running through our veins.
Her real name is Christian, but she prefers Universe. Why? We don't know, but
it's probably got something to do with Anthony's ---- -- --- mouth. Anyways, we
ditched her by the side of the road cause she wouldn't ---- all of --- ----.
Today we saw a train that might be a mile long atleast. Why? We don't know.
But i'm getting ahead of myself because alot more happened yesterday. For
example, we went for a walk in Karijini Gorge and as soon as things started to
get difficult our two pom friends stayed behind because they were too scared
(well atleast Anthony) as me and yank kept on going until we got stuck behind a
guided tour and a big fat biatch who couldn't climb up the cliff. Just the sight
of it was worth walking the gorge.
Today we had a fight about the budget. Why? Because Daryl keeps buying stuff we
don't need. But then all hell broke loose because he had too much to drink (by
Daryl standards) and after an hour of lecturing about shopping, math, and road
trip economics we just stopped arguing with him. By the time he started rambling
about fraternity and brotherhoodwe all lost him and tried to think about naked
chicks (well me anyway) but all I could think about is drinking that bottle of
scotch after eating the pizza we don't even need. The bottom line was shut the
fuck up, stop sulking, and get me another beer!
Daryl
Those fucking nutters, they just don't get it. Get what? That Daryl was the one
who petitioned for the beer (under heavy scrutiny) in the first place. The same
beer that they now couldn't bear to live without. Whingers!
Roie
That day started at our own improvised camp we like to call the 'water tank'.
Ofcourse we could have camped at the authorized camp site and pay 5 bucks each,
but we are not like the other institutionalized fuckers and that 5 bucks were
better spent on good old red label and a budget slab of beef.
Daryl
No, better save part and the corn on the cob. No, better the potatoes (poms call
em jackets). No, let's do rice and the beans (when in doubt, always the beans).
You get what you pay for, the least successful dineer. Our 1st successful
popcorn.
The Universe (the vegan) retired to bed early, we think she is mad at Anthony.
The rest of the crew shielded the fire from passing cars and reminisced about
old TV.
June 10?, 2003
Car > Auskie Roadhouse
'Looks like a flatty' Daniel quipped pointing to the limp slab of rubber hanging
off the right rear. Luckily I had 2 decent tires to replace the old spare before
the trip. Took turns lifting er up and replaced it.
The garbage man stop to take away the rubbish and after a fall out with Anthony
the Universe vanishes. Back to Tom Price for food and fuel (once again Roie
fucked up) and to patch the tire.
Smokey just makes it on vapers. '25 bucks to patch a tire?!?!? HA!' and so we
continue on to Hamersly Gorge.
Warm waterfalls into a pool and waves of rock. The French/Spanish girl of
Daryl's dreams passing through on organized tour and dissappointed she didn't
join the Banditos. Got her email.
El Bandito de Amor
Stale tin cans sprinkled across the dashboard
A persistant buzzing in my head
Lost on the road to nowhere
The wind rifles through my hair
Nothing shocking
Roie rumbles light-speed through the washboard stones slamming against the car.
Another flat and now without a spare. Roie, the slabs are mounting. Smokey ain't
happy, and I think its gotta do with us using the hood as a kitchen counter.
Gooey reminants of last weeks chops and jam still linger.
Anthony
The smell of burning rubber as we go only 10k/h Roie vanishes in the distance as
we are left stranded in the middle of nowhere, as Roie tries to fix the 2nd tire
with some saviours.
Daryl
Near miss taking off the tail of a Joey while limping to the nearest roadhouse
with a leaky tire. Were it not for my lightning fast reflexes we'd all be dead.
Shout the saviours a $20 and find our camp spot across the road.
June 11?, 2003
Car > Just past Port Headland
Anthony
Was woken up in the early heat of the morning by Roie snoring and the yank
talking crap in his sleep. We all got up and out by 6:30 shouting abuses at each
other as usual. Took the wheel off and left Smokey up on the jack on two wheels.
We paid $2 to use the showers. We waited for the tyre man at 8:00. 8:30 and he
still hadn't turned up, so Roie went in the shop
Roie
to find out about the tyre fixing man only to find out that infront of him
stands the devils half sister (meat pie nazi). So he asked 'can we fix our tire
now?' 'NO!' she yelled at him. 'Why?' asked Roie cowering behind a big trucker.
'Oh, no reason. I'll give the guy a call' she said with a devilish smile.
After awhile we were waiting there, there came the tire mancame and looked like
an old version of Igor driving a Sanford & Son pickup with four bald tires.
Half asleep he opens his shop and then without saying a word he started working
on our tire.
There we were, looking at this guy hunched over a beer belly which was barely
supported by his pencil thin legs. For an old fella he was quite swift and after
15 mintues the job was done and all I had to do was face the meat pie nazi again
to pay the bill.
Daryl
---Flash Forward---
Through East Pilbara, 'the world's largest shire' without a single inhabitant.
Peering through a window piled high with empties beer and bourbon. Digs a finger
deep and pulls out Ayers Rock. Smears it on his arm and flicks it free.
The landscape hasn't changed since Perth. Mostly flat and dry brush,carcasses of
dead roos, and cows lingering in the road. A dull trip between the sites.
---Return---
Anthony
Roie once again. Smokey is taking a rest as she cools down after being driven
like a bat-mobile. We sit in the middle of nowhere we just wait, wait, wait.
Roie starts to cry... 'Why? Why?' We don't know why.
After 20 minutes cooling down, we fill Smokey with some well deserved oil and
water. We plod along slow. Daryl says 'don't go too slow'.
Daryl
Port Headland - Shitty industrial town focused on salt and iron ore. Fixed the
roof rack and flushed the radiator. No second hand tires here. Said 'no' to a
$95 new one. Food shopping. Off on the 600k further to Broome, supposedly the
dullest part of the trip.
June 12?, 2003
Car > Nearly Broome
Roie
It's not even nine o'clock and we drinkin bourbon and coke, that ain't a joke.
---take 2---
8:30, bourbon 'n coke 'cause you gotta start your day on the right foot' Daryl
says as he...
---Flash Back---
Cows cruising the road like in India. Cautious on the paddles, all gauges reads
green. Truckers they should rule the world.
---Return---
With all the precision of a surgical procedure, repaired the stereo with a
glowing amber from the campfire. 600km of nothing and stonehenge.
It's like a big race coast to coast with the same players passing in n out who
we refer to by code like: Ze Germanz, the Rainbow Car, the girl that woulda gone
with Daryl, the French/Spanish girl that he hopes we see again, Ms. Psycho
Harmonica, the cold beans and tuna poms, fat lady crack climber (aka. beached
whale). Mostly women but that's all we really care about.
Quote of the day:
'I'm not here to fall in love...
I'm here to get laid'
- Anthony, when proded about the Universe
'Amen Brother!'
- Roie, raising his Woodstock high
Anthony
Daryl hit a dead kangaroo today. All you heard was the roo hitting the bottom of
the car a few times, bones breaking and crushing. Why did he do it? We don't
know... I know, cause Daryl thought he could clear it but we didn't as the joey
rolled 10ft behind us.
Daryl's Shark & Pumpkin Pasta
Ingredients
1/2 kg shark cubed
1/2 kg pumpkin cubed
4 onions chopped
large can crushed tomatoes
500g pasta fusilli
4 garlic cloves crushed
olive oil
salt and pepper
Preparation
Saute onions and garlic in liberal oil
Add pumpkin and cover and cook to mush
Pepper the shark and fry in oil till nearly done
Add tomato and onion and pumpkin, cover and simmer
Serve atop pasta
June 13, 2003
Full Moon - Friday the 13th
Car & Broome
Daryl
7:30 and we're well on our way along the final 200k stretch to Broome. Our
earliest departure on the tour so far. Driven out by the overwhelming swarming
flies and the lack of milk for cereal.
10k outside of Broome and the perfume cloud hits. The smells to impress. The
smells of clean or perhaps lacking the dirt and stink we have been covered in
for the past 2 weeks without shower. Tourists in pimped up fashion mode on the
prowl for others. Broome - 'The Pearl Coast', 'the place to be'.
1st things 1st, internet and laundry. A full cycle with double soap doesn't even
do the trick. To the garage for some tires. Roie's on about watermelon and
Bulgarian cheese. It's damn hot and I feel lazy. To the beach.
Roie
The search for the tire failed. We're at the beach now, we'll see what happens.
Oh yeah, Cable Beach, one of the finest beaches in the world according to Lonely
Planet. Nice, but nothing special.
Sometimes I am really happy the Americans won the war. Because if they didn't we
all had to listen to meaningless umpa lumpa songs at 7 o'clock in the morning
from waldo and his lesbian girlfriend. Things were actually looking promising
the night before when we had the rainbow car crew at our place for dinner
(vegie). But the female german mind works in mysterious ways and all we got left
with is a bit of a hangover and my dick in my hand. Strange, very strange. But
we will never stop trying because we're not losers (yeah right).
Today I went into Chicken Treat and asked for a Big Mac. They thought I was
joking but I kept a straight face and repeated my question. 'It's not a
McDonalds here. That's around the corner.' said the young girl with the stupid
headset on. 'OK' I told her 'then give me a dozen chicken Mc Nuggets'. 'Sorry
mister' she wasn't smiling anymore 'I'm gunna have to ask you to leave this
place.' 'It's because I'm a jew, right?' 'I never said that.' 'I wanna speak
with your manager' I demanded. 'What seems to be the problem?' asked the ...
that's it.
Smokey Log 17.06.03
Gibb River Road
car > Tunnel Creek
Were on our way to Kununnura through the Gibb System and here's what we're
packing...
Smokey, 1980 200B with the optional rust, no speedo, no odo.
Droids: 2 poms, 1 yank, 1 jew
Luggage: 75kg (50kg too much)
Spares: 3 used tires
Tools: scissor jack (no handle), shifter spanner, super tool, tire
cross
Fluids: 45 liters full tank + 20 liters jerry can, 6 liters oil,
coolant, 40 liters H2O
Food: 20 cans beans, 25kg potatoes, 6 cans tomatoe soup, 2 loafs bread,
PB&J, 1kg chops, 1kg flour, 2kg cheese, 2 chickens
The main road is tit. 6 lanes of packed dirt with minor washboard, 60k/h
average, no challenge for Smokey. Could even land an aircraft on it.
Tunnel Creek - 1k long cave knee deep in water. Nice but not worth the detour
road which gets considerably worse with rocks after Windjana Gorge.
15 minutes back down the road we find a perfect campspot. Chops, beans, and
jackets. Good. Fun night of cards and shit talk under the stars.
Anthony
Today, I President Anthony won 4 of 10 games of Asshole and Daryl lost meaning
that he sets my tent up and I do fuck all. No cooking, no washing, just eating
(nothing unusual).
June 18, 2003
Car > Windjana Gorge > Bell Gorge
Daryl
Windjana - A 7k walk, about 4k too much. Nice with fresh water crocks being the
real attraction. Do yourself a favor though and turn back early.
Rough back to the main road and smooth on to the Bell Gorge turnoff. Bell Gorge
Road, a 29k mostly decent lightly washboarded with sections of rough rock. Still
no real challenge.
Bell's Gorge - The Gibb River Road highlight. Beautiful.
June 19, 2003
Car > Iminji Fence Men Camp
Another day at Bell's trying to avoid Ze Germanz, washing my clothes and having
them lost down the waterfall, playing Hearts, and just plain relaxing.
On to Iminji where I met a classic retired old cattle hearder Abo. Camped with
some fencing workers trying to fence in some nurses scared of getting raped by
the abos. Fun around the fire with Blue. Our first successful bread done ontop
of the radiator.
June 20, 2003
Car > Mt. Barnett > Galvin Gorge > Barnett River
Mt Barnett - What mountain? 1.50/l of gas, the gas nazi.
Galvin Gorge - Small tropical pool, rope swing, abo painting, nice.
Barnett River - Rough road, nothing special, small quiet river, skip it. Stop
for lunch of triple decker PB>Js and cards and failed on bread loaf #2.
Fixing the radio is a failure so I pull it out and wait for a real soldering
iron.
June 21, 2003
Gibb River Road SUCCESS!
Car > Wyndham
Finished the Gibb River Road after a marathon day of driving maddness. The last
250k is the roughest section, still no match for Smokey. Trip complete... 5 days
and 890k Derby to Wyndham on 100l petrol costing $127 and food costing $75, no
problems. Not even one tire busted. Still got our 3 spares, dissappointed.
Roie
---Flash Back---
Alright, then without Daryl's technical bullshit about road conditions and fuel
consumption we started the notorious Gibb River Road with all the odds against
us...
'It's only for 4wd' they told us. 'We wouldn't do it with that Datsun' they
laughed. 'See you on the side of the road' they mocked us. I guess that is what
lit the spark in Daryl's eyes, and the minute I saw it I knew he's going to do
it with or without convincing us. It didn't matter, or he was just drunk, how
much Anthony whinged, we got all we need and off we went to the great Gibb River
Road.
First day went pretty smooth, and we went to the Tunnel Creek. Second day we
went to the Windjana Gorge. They were alright but not worth the bullshit road.
The next day we kept going but the road didn't seem to get rough or even
challenging. On the way to Bell Gorge during our lunch break we met Ze Germanz
which cost Daryl half a PB&J and filled him with a strong will for revenge.
Bell Gorge was cool, we stayed there for the rest of the day and camped in the
parking lot where we met Ze Germanz again. Next morning we woke up to the sound
of springs bouncing, coming from their jeepm, which gave Daryl the opportunity
to pay them back. By shouting all different kind of bullshit and kicking their
car nice and good.
Spent a couple more hours down at the gorge where we had our lunch and Daryl
lost his clothes down by the waterfall while washing them. At night we camped
Imintji with some drunk and stoned fencers who got a great kick out of Daryl's
guitar playing. The next day we go to Mt Barnett roadhouse just to find that
this is the most expensive place in the southern hemisphere if not in the whole
world to buy fuel. No other choice we filled our tanks at 1.50/l and with empty
pockets we kept on going.
We went back to see Galvin Gorge which had a nice swimming pool and nothing
more. We drove on passing again the fuel nazi and camped somewhere about 70k
from there.
The fifth and last day nothing but driving and waiting for the Pentecost River
crossing where we all thought that we gunna have to be pulled by a 4wd and
ofcourse as we learned before the crossing wasn't that bad and Daryl drove the
car right through it without even trying. 50 more kms we were on sealed road
again on the way to Wyndham, dirty and tired but happy.
Once again, Smokey and the Bandits did it against all odds. Showing all
skepticism that all you need is a white old datsun and the right crew!?
Halfway to Wyndham we stopped at nice swimming hole and washed the Gibb Road off
us and clothes. Done a couple of jumps of a swinging rope and by sunset we got
to Wyndham which had fuck all to offer us except cheap fuel. We got to
kununnurra the next day and then things started to get interesting, but I will
get to that later.
During our travel, some of us heard about this canoe trip down the Ord River not
far from Kun. So we decided to look into it, $145pp, I don't think so! So me and
Daryl looked for an alternative.
Daryl
Like that was any more interesting then my entry. Enough bullshit from Roie...
A day around town probing people's backyards for a canoe, found. Trade my
passport for 1 8ft plastic yellow 2 seater. Packed er up and had a successful
test run at the waterski beach. Grabbed the poms from their new jobs in the
evening to drop us off at Arglye Lake Dam, 70k up the river. Camped the night in
the 'No Camping' area.
Argyle Lake - A big nice lake, nothing special. Took a quick walk around before
pushing off down the river. 3 tough days down the river. Nice but nothing
special, highlights being catching some catfish on snags and saving a couple
euro girls trying to paddle the river in their submerged canoe. Hard paddling
finally organized after 3 days. 100 left 100 right 3 sets and a beer and beam
& coke jelly bean peaches break. Camped out along the way with a couple
Aussie tree huggers that secretly wished they were Abos. Taught us to cook the
fish in wet paper bark which instantly went up in flames. Ditched that idea for
the grill.
Trip finished and we sit hopelessly on the ski beach waiting for the poms to
pick us up. After hours later I hitch into town (in a van of drunk abos) to see
them at their jobs unconcerned about us. Grabbed the car and returned the canoe,
thanks.
Ord Fish & Chips, apologies and story catchup. Danny still ain't got the
$300 he owes Roie and I, the stance is tense. What makes it worse is he doesn't
even seem bothered. Camped by the ski beach. The ranger says 'Hi'.
Starter motor on its last crank. Spent the morning around town wrestling up the
tools and parts required to rebuild it. Doug the 'god of starter motors 'you
need my brushes for $15' and don't laugh at me' asshole. John the 'you want a
soldering iron, buy one' asshole. And Phil the saviour. A classic swiss german
mechanic that quit doing that kind of work along time ago but never bothered to
take down his sign. The only one in town willing to shout us the tools. Back to
Mr. Canoe who living in a junkyard happened to also have a Blowtorch to weld the
brushes in. Fixed!
A night spent offering the piss in thanks for a helping hand. An unforgettable
night back at Phil's, you know he used to work for Bin Laden once his friend
Mick joined in. Loads of classic shit talk, offering them both jobs at my dream
hovercraft factory back in Santa Barbara. A great time, atleast until Mrs. Mick
showed up and carted his sorry ass back home. Blames it on us.
Continued talks with Phil got us all fired up about our Daniel situation. In an
uncontrollable rage we returned to town to meet the boyz and 'straighten things
out'. From here I better let Roie explain as I may get too mad...
Roie
...but he's gone mad already but that's got nothing to do with our story, oh
wait...
Like Daryl mentioned before, we had too many Bin Lagers with our good samaritan
friend who actually planted the idea to ditch Dan by the side of the road
without his backpack, passport, and the rest of his stuff. Anyway, with a little
doubt in my mind and hope that we could solve that thing without doing anything
crazy we went to meet them. And there they were sitting there by the side of the
road (for the last couple hours). I knew I had to the talking cause Daryl was
too much of a mad man. 'So what's going on guys?' 'We're staying' Anthony says
as Daniel starts trying to pull his gear off the roof. 'Well we're going' Daryl
tightens his grip on the wheel. That was enough small talk for Daryl. All he had
to do was let go of the clutch, and so he did. Liquid courage making up for
where our tempered will had already failed us.
Statistics
Costs Quoted in Australian Dollars
The Trip
Duration = 39 Days from Perth to Darwin via Karajini & Gibb RR
Distance = 6705 km
Cost = $1987 or $496 each ($12.70/day/person)
Running Contributions
Daryl=$607 Roie=$670 Anthony=$633 Daniel=$31 Rich=$46
The Car
$600 for '80 Datsun 200B (Daryl)
$35 for Title (Daryl)
$20 for Tuneup (Daryl)
$95 for Bits (Daryl)
$90 for 2 Used Tires (Daryl)
$80 for 1 New Tire (group)
$100 for 2 Used Wheels (group)
$50 for 20 liters Oil (group)
The Fuel
$822 or $197 each (780 liters averaging $1.05/liter)
The Food And Drink
$1189 or $297 each (32% was in alcohol alone)
The Problems
2 Flat tires in Karjini Natl Park (Roie)
1 Overheated Radiator (Roie)
Smoke Everywhere
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